


biko

by misschevalier



Series: I'd probably never finish you [2]
Category: Rooster Teeth/Achievement Hunter RPF
Genre: Leukemia, Multi, Sickfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-09-06
Updated: 2014-09-06
Packaged: 2018-02-16 02:38:45
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,664
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2252778
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/misschevalier/pseuds/misschevalier
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Ryan knew that there was something wrong with him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	biko

**Author's Note:**

> All I know about this sickness is based on what the internet told me, don't judge me.
> 
> Enjoy. ♥

Ryan knew that there was something wrong with him.

It was quite obvious: he was sitting on his doctor’s office after his annual blood test came back.

He knew it had to be something related with the deep bruises that has been appearing on his body randomly and his lack of energy, (also the headaches, the _flu_ that wasn’t really flu and the not being hungry.)

He didn’t say anything to the boys about it. Saying he was going out with some friends from college that were visiting, he leaved to his appointment after work.

(He hated lying to his lovers.)

(Even when he wasn’t lying completely.)

His doctor was an old friend from college, Nina. She was in her last year of medicine when he met her.

An hour later he found himself sitting on his car, forehead pressed against the steering wheel, with an appointment for next week and with an awful diagnostic.

“Everything points out at leukemia, James. We need a bone marrow biopsy to be hundred percent sure about it but, your blood cells and your liver- you know that I wouldn’t be telling you this if I wasn’t sure about it.”

When he came back home, he sat on his car thinking what he would say to the boys. How they would react. What they would do. (He was sure Ray would cry, and maybe Gavin would too. Michael would start to yell nonsense about the universe being a bitch, and Jack and Geoff would try to be rational about it.)

He didn’t want that. He was thinking he didn’t have an option when something else came out of his mind.

I’m not telling them.

He hid his papers on his car and took a deep breath before coming into the house.

Geoff was obviously making dinner because the house smelled delicious. Jack was sitting on the sofa with his laptop, maybe answering some mail. Gavin and Michael were wrestling on the carpet in front of the sofa. Gavin squeaked as he saw Ryan, and Michael’s body fell over him, making the gent chuckle.

“Hey Ry-bread,” he felt Ray kissing on his cheek, standing on his toes since he had to struggle with his height. He smiled at the Puerto Rican and kissed him sweetly. “You came home early.”

“You know, we aren’t young anymore,” he chuckled at Ray, passing a hand over his lover’s black hair. “What were you doing?”

“Helping Geoff. Have you eaten already?” Ryan shook his head and Ray started pulling him towards the kitchen, where he found Geoff crouching, looking at the oven. He stood up when he saw them entering, a smile appearing in his face.

“Hey,” Geoff said, before pulling Ryan’s arm to give him a few kisses. Ryan sat down one on of the kitchen chairs, hearing Geoff and Ray telling him something that Michael and Gavin did early that night, and before they noticed, he had fallen asleep with his head resting on his hand.

“Ryan?” Ray called him and noticed the man’s closed eyes. He observed Ryan for a while before looking at Geoff. “Do you know what’s wrong with him? I’m worried. He doesn’t eat and he doesn’t even get insomnia because he’s always tired.”

Geoff hushed him down, before shaking his head. “I don’t know. Maybe it’s just the flu that has not leaved his body yet.” Ray just replied with a mumbled _maybe_. 

Jack and Geoff were the ones who woke him up, helping him to get to their room, asking him a lot of questions (“Are you hungry?”, “how are you feeling?”, “do you need anything?” or “are you sure you’re fine?”) on which he only answered with mumbles or moving his head.

The boys were obviously worried. Gavin started ideating a plan to convince him to go to the hospital, Jack being his support. Michael said that maybe they should wait until the weekend and then take him if he didn’t get better.

They all agreed in that and finished eating their dinner.

+

The next morning Ryan could barely get out of the bed, or even stay awake enough time to argue with himself about getting up. He just turned around, lied on his chest and fell asleep again.

“Wake up, love,” Jack called Ryan softly, and the older gent stirred on his spot when he felt Jack’s hand on his bare back. (Jack noticed a few dark bruises on Ryan’s back.) The gent mumbled something on his pillow and moved slightly. Jack turned to see Michael and Geoff leaning on the door, looking at them. “Ryan. It’s time to get up.”

“...can’t.”

“You want to stay in bed?” The other gent nodded. “You feel sick?” He keep caressing Ryan’s back, trying to keep him awake.

“No,” he responded, finally taking the pillow away from his face, giving Jack a sleepy smile. “Just tired.” Jack nodded and kissed his temple before telling him that he should back to sleep.

He obeyed immediately.

Gavin and Ray were sitting on the kitchen table, and when Jack entered the room, the brit was looking for Ryan behind Jack but only found Michael shaking his head. “He didn’t get up?” Jack answered with a _no_ , leaning over the counter and crossing his arms on his chest.

“I don’t believe he’s getting up anytime soon. I’ll stay with him today, I don’t want to leave him alone.” Ray shook a worried look at Jack. “He’ll be okay, don’t worry. He’s just tired.” He kissed the lad temple, and sat down next to him.

Geoff and the boys left the house a few minutes later (Geoff screamed at Gavin because he was taking too long. The brit only came back with “ _I was saying goodbye to Ryan before we leaved!”_ ) and Jack sat down with his laptop to reply some news before checking on his lover.

After a few minutes, Jack was looking blankly at the Google front page.

He was discussing with himself about searching or not Ryan’s symptoms: the easy bruising, the fatigue that he always had, the strange headaches.

(He knew that he could get brutal answers without them being the right one.)

He doubted.

He jumped when he heard his phone ringing, so he got up to pick it up.

(Jack forgot about searching Ryan’s symptoms.)

(If he had, one of the first results was ‘ _What are the Symptoms of Leukemia?_ ’ and Jack would have freaked out.)

(That it was something that Ryan didn’t want.)

+

“Where’s everyone?” Ryan muttered to himself, walking down the hall and seeing that no one was there. He was going to return to the room but he smelled food, and for the first time he found himself hungry.

“Hey you,” Jack smiled at Ryan when he saw him walking down the kitchen. His hair was probably worse than Joel’s or Gavin’s, and he was still with his pajamas but looked a lot better. Ryan hugged Jack from behind, resting his head on his lover’s shoulder. “They are working. You didn’t seem to get up so I stayed with you. How are you feeling?”

Ryan hummed, pressing his nose against Jack’s neck. “I’m still tired but I think that lovely smell woke me up.” Jack chuckled and said he was going to eat, if he wanted or not. “I’m actually a bit hungry.”

“Really? That’s good to hear, maybe you’re getting better.” Jack smiled and Ryan just didn’t say anything about it, he didn’t want to say anything about him being sick.

(In his mind all he could hear was “ _you’re lying to them; bad James, bad_.”)

“We are very worried about you.”

“I’m sorry.” Kissing his lover’s neck, Ryan held Jack closer.

“Are you sure you’re okay, Ryan?” Jack turned around and took Ryan’s cheeks on his hands, making him stare into his eyes. The Georgian only smiled and kissed him before whispering an _of course I am_.

+

Ryan came back to work the next day, not feeling as tired as before, but still tired.  (Also, new bruises have showed and he’s feeling quite warm.) He was still hiding his sickness, more guilty than ever. The week passed and on the day of his biopsy he felt very anxious. Even Lindsay notices it and asked if it was something wrong. He lied to her saying everything was fine.

(“ _You’re becoming a compulsive liar, James Ryan. Very, very bad.”_ )

He had asked Nina about everything of that biopsy, him being a very curious man. He calculated on his head how much time it will take the whole thing so he could pick which lie was he going to make.

(“ _Really James? This is very, very bad. You’re a mad genius._ ”)

(He needed to stop talking with himself.)

He said he was going to San Antonio with some friends. The boys were skepticalabout it but they only told him to drive safely and be careful around the roads and even Gavin asked “ _since when you have friends in San Antonio_?” but he ignore it, and Gavin seemed to forget about it.

Nina was the one to pick him up (he couldn’t drive after the biopsy) and she was acting very lovely with him, like if she was a big sister, and he really appreciated that.

He really wished he had told the guys, but after some deep thinking while she was doing the biopsy, he realized that he doesn’t want them to worry, and he hated himself a little bit because saying so, the boys had said that before and he threw a fit about it.

He hissed, feeling a sharp pain on his lower back, knowing it was a needle on his hipbone. A lovely nurse that was with Nina, held his hand and he squeezed it hard, feeling the pain leave slowly.

(He wished it was Michael who was there. When it was about pain, Michael somehow knew what to say or do. And he imagines it was Michael, holding his hand and saying he would be okay.)

Ryan was asked to stay an hour just to know if he was fine, and if everything was okay, Nina could drive him back home. He was laying down still on his side with that ugly gown, texting the boys.

( _“Still lying, isn’t right James?_ ”)

“I’m happy for you,” Nina smiled when he told her that he was in a relationship with another five boys. She was driving him back home, Ryan lying on the back seat. “Although, they don’t seem to be supporting you. I mean, at least one of them had to make you company in the hospital, don’t you think?”

“I haven’t told them yet,” he was sure that if they weren’t in the highway, she could have stepped on the brakes and turned to see him. “I don’t want to worry them.”

“James!” she looked at him over the mirror. “They are your lovers! You’re supposed to tell them, even if it hurts! You need each other.” She sounded angry at him.

(He didn’t want to piss her off. She was literally a beast when she was mad.)

“I’ll tell them.” He muttered, looking at the car’s ceiling. “Eventually.” He chuckled when he heard her say _you’re still the smart yet stupid guy I meet in college_.

(Ryan slept with a tee that night. He didn’t want the guys to see the gauze on his lower back.)

+

That week, Ryan flinched every time Gavin ran to hug him, maybe it was because his back still hurt and maybe because of the bruises. He didn’t know, actually. He started eating light foods if he was feeling alright and not nauseous, making the boys happy about it. Sometimes he ate and had to run to the bathroom just to return it.  

(The boys seemed to be suspecting something, but they didn’t comment on anything.)

Sometimes he had chills, even when he was in Texas’ hot. Sometimes he just didn’t feel enough energy to get out of bed and go to work (even when his mind told him that he couldn’t just stay there, because he had work that was piling up and each time he stayed at home, one of the boys would stay with him) and sometimes he just felt fine, as if he didn’t have anything.

For Ryan, it was quite weird feeling the way he feels. Sick, fine, guilty, in love.

Everything for him was weird.

+

Ryan was sure that he was now crazy.

(He had never lied to them, but this time, he was taking it to the extreme.)

He knew that at some point he’ll start receiving chemotherapy and it would be impossible to hide. He started thinking about telling to the boys that he was sick; just stop hiding everything, stopping all the lies and just telling them.

Of course he didn’t do that.

(He thought something worse.)

He didn’t want them to see him sick; he didn’t want them to think he was useless. So what a better option than breaking up with them and moving back to Georgia, where neither of the boys would found him? He really loved them, with all his heart and soul but he thought it was the best.

If he died, they wouldn’t feel the pain of losing a loved one. They wouldn’t get hurt. They could stop worrying about him and live their own lives, all together.

Without Ryan.

Ryan looked at the ceiling of their bedroom, feeling the five boys wrapped around him. He felt Ray’s soft breath on his neck; he knew Geoff was lying on the Puerto Rican’s side holding Gavin on his arms, Gavin’s own arms around Ray. He felt Jack’s beard on the side on his arm, the man’s head on his shoulder. Michael was somehow wrapped around Ryan’s leg.

He felt his heart clench and just gasped, thinking what he would do.

He wanted to enjoy the lasts weeks with them, before he quit Rooster Teeth and moved back to Georgia. He just wanted to forget everything he was thinking and enjoy his last weeks in Austin.

(“ _You’re insane, James! Leaving everything you want because you’re a coward? What an idiot!”)_

And after doing some thinking, bringing back memories out of his brain, he started realizing how much he would miss them.

How much he would miss the love, the giggles, the fun that he had with them, the feeling of him forgetting the world and all his troubles when he was with them.

(“ _It’s not too late James; you could go and tell them now. You got time_.”)

+

Gavin has been gossiping with Ray that Ryan was being a totally cutie all those weeks and he was very excited to come home today (since Ryan said that he didn’t feel hundred percent fine and he stayed at home.) He really liked how Ryan could change from being the silence, normal guy that he met once to now his crazy, adorable lover that was being adorable, and he’s just adorable.

“Gavin, I love him too, but shut up. We’re almost at home, okay?” Geoff wanted to have a silent car ride.

“I told you to shut up, dickhead,” giggled Michael, and after a few minutes, all of them stepped out of the car and walked towards the house. Jack handed Michael the house keys, since he couldn’t find his own and he didn’t want to be searching all night. “Sweetheart, we’re home!” Michael said, as if he was on an old sit-com.

“What is this?” It was Ray and he was standing in front of Ryan, bags lying on the floor. Ryan was sitting on the sofa, looking up at him. “Why you have all these bags here?” Even when Ray only wanted Ryan to say it was only a joke, he knew what it meant: Ryan was leaving.

“What do you think you’re doing, silly sausage?” Gavin said behind Ray. Ryan watched them for a few minutes before he got up and looked at Geoff, who was looking at his bags incredulous.

“I’m leaving,” and Ryan’s voice was so calm it was scary, strange. No one liked that tone. Geoff and Jack froze, dropping their own bags to the floor. “You’re the best thing that happened in my life-”

“Then why are you fucking leaving?” Michael spat those words at him, his eyes filled with fear and angry at the same time.

“-but I don’t think I should be with you anymore.”

Ryan was doing his best to not break in the middle of the living room, crying and saying that he was sick, that he didn’t want them to worry, that he was such an idiot.

(“ _You still have a chance, James! Don’t lie anymore!_ ”)

 “I don’t love you. I never did.” If Ryan could hit himself in that exact moment, he would have done it. It hurt seeing Ray’s tears fall from his eyes and meeting Gavin’s broken look. Geoff and Jack weren’t falling behind- both of them looking disappointed and hurt but not angry, as if they were expecting this since a long time ago. “I never cared about you-”

“You’re an asshole!” Michael roared at him, his hands clenched into fists and eyes wild, ready to attack. “You’re the biggest piece of shit that could have walked the earth! You disgust me!” And even when he was yelling, that didn’t mean that the tears could stop falling. “Motherfucker, son of a bitch-”

“Leave, then.” Jack said to him, finally meeting Ryan’s eyes. “Walk through that door and leave, if what you’re saying is true.” Ryan’s heart physically hurt for all of this: their looks, their tears, emotions filling the room. “That last year was only a joke? You were only playing with us?” Jack voice had a hint of anger, but his body never showed it.

“It hurts me more than you think.” Ryan knew it was a selfish thing to say in that moment, but it was the only truth that leaved from his lips. Geoff nodded, took Ryan’s bags and moved them towards the door; Ryan knew that he wasn’t going to be welcome again anytime soon (but he didn’t have intentions of returning.) Ryan started walking to the door when Gavin stepped in front of him, looking at Ryan with panicked eyes, full with pain. “Don’t make me move you out of the way, Gavin, please.”

It was the cold, insensible voice that made Gavin move.

Ryan gave him his house key and taking his bags, stepped out of the door and closed it behind him. He didn’t dare to look back when he heard the door opening again, he didn’t dare to look away from the street, and it was when he pulled over on some dirt road, that he realized that he had made a mistake.

Ryan turned off his car, and pressed his face against the steering wheel.

He had made such an **awful** mistake.

(“ _Nah, I told you. You had a chance but you didn’t take it, and now, you’re alone, heartbroken and sick. It’s quite pathetic, James. Now, it’s time to take another path in life, isn’t?_ ”)

+

It really hurt moving to a new state, into some apartment building close to the hospital but the worse of all, without his loved ones: after living with five men on the same house for almost two years, it’s very difficult to become a bachelor again.

(“ _You deserve it for not telling them before_.”)

He got support from his mother and his step-father, even his sisters supported him (his younger sister, Ellie, cried when he shared the news) and least he wasn’t alone, but he felt like it. He didn’t even dare to check his email, afraid of seeing something from one of the boys or something worse; he only wanted to take this thing out of his body, that stupid cancer running through his veins.

The first weeks of chemotherapy weren’t the best, but he felt graceful when he didn’t have awful secondary effects as another people: he felt tired all day long, and now he started bleeding from his nose, what an amazing thing.

Days and days of chemotherapy passed, and his doctors told him that he was responding better than expected to the medication, that he had all the gods on his side to survive this cancer. Ryan was thankful, of course, he was possibly going to be alive to see the next year, but something in his life was missing (not something but probably some people.)

The worse of all were when the headaches and the fevers started appearing.

The headaches and the fevers usually became one, making him hallucinate and imagine things that weren’t there. He usually found himself seeing them, sometimes Michael, sometimes Jack; sometimes it was a good hallucination (they would talk as normal people, share some smiles), sometimes it would only make him feel worse than he felt.

He reached at them every single time, wanting to feel their warmness but when Ryan touched them, they would disappear.

It really hurt, but he did his best to move on.

One day, he found himself sitting outside of his sister’s house, Ellie.

(She cared about him the most, being Ryan her closest sibling.)

 It was a nice afternoon, clear sky, the sun almost falling into the sunset and the cold, but nice wind hitting his face. It has been raining on Georgia for the last days, but today was the nicest it has been in a while and it applied to him too, because he didn’t feel _that_ sick.

Ryan liked this, and he tried his best to forget about everything and just relax: he would take a deep breath, make his lungs fill with oxygen and think about nothing, just leave his mind in blank.

He tried to take a deep breath.

Suddenly, he couldn’t breathe.

His chest was pressing against his lungs on a strange way and the wheezing that was coming from his mouth wasn’t a good sign. Ryan’s hands searched for support so he could get up and try to go inside the house. He stood up but he fell faster to the floor, his back hurt suddenly but the pain vanished as soon as he tried to take another breathe.

(“ _Are you going to end like this, James? Sad, sad_.”)

“Ryan!” It was Ellie, next to him. He couldn’t tell whose hands were holding him, he was just focusing on the clear sky, the sun almost setting and the cold, but nice wind against his skin; and just, in that moment, he left his mind in blank.

+

Ray looked at his lovers, sitting on the sofa and sharing a comfortable silence all together. It has been a while since Ryan left, and they tried their best to compose themselves and continue their life together. Ryan suddenly leaving hurt (probably more than expected) but it has been at least a week since neither of them had mentioned him.

Somehow, Ray had the necessity to talk about him because he knew that Ryan was hiding something and that was bothering him terribly. Maybe what Ryan said was true, that he didn’t love them or that he never cared about them, but Ray did care and he needed to know what Ryan was hiding.

(The thing was that Ryan didn’t pick up his phone or answered his mail, and he felt clueless of what to do.)

But he knew that there was someone that would knew where Ryan was: Ellie. Since she was Ryan’s favorite, all of them knew her and Ray found himself with her number “ _in case of emergency,”_ she told him once.

(This was kind of an emergency.)

Ray waited for his lovers to fall asleep so he could go downstairs, with phone in hand, her number on the screen. He felt terribly nervous but he needed to know the truth- even if it meant that Ryan was cheating or, fuck it, who knew.

“Hello?” Ellie answered and her voice sounded strange.

“Uh, hi Ellie. It’s Ray,” he said, leaning on the kitchen counter and looking at the floor, one hand on his hoodie.

(He suddenly felt the tip of his fingers freeze.)

“Oh, you,” and the way she said those words sounded so harsh that Ray’s heart skipped a beat. “What do you want?”

“I was calling to ask you if you knew something about Ryan… he left a few weeks ago and I want to talk to him.” He was muttering the words, maybe fearing that one of the boys would get up and found him talking with Ryan’s sister.

“Oh? You should know where he is.”

“…no, I really don’t have a clue. I’m guessing he’s in Georgia, but that doesn’t help me. He’s not answering his phone or my mails.” Ray sighed when she didn’t answer. “It’s okay if you don’t say anything, but can you tell me at least if he’s doing fine?”

“How do you think someone would be do if you’re _sick_ and without your love ones?”

Ray frowned. “Sick?”

“What do you think leukemia means, Ray? It’s a fucking sickness,” and with those words, Ray’s world fell. How blind they had been, how stupid; Ryan showed all the symptoms and neither of them did anything about it. Ray didn’t know he was crying until he left a sob come out of his mouth.

“I-I didn’t know,” he whispered into the phone. “I- oh god.”

“Oh,” and in that moment Ellie realized that Ryan never mentioned them, neither saying that he told them about his sickness, he didn’t say a word and she just jumped into conclusions. “Oh, Ray- I’m so sorry, I shouldn’t…”

Ray couldn’t understand what Ellie was saying, nor he didn’t know when he sat down on the floor, but one thing he knew was that he couldn’t breathe. He took out his hoodie, throwing it away with his phone, and pressed his back against the wall, taking deep breaths.

Ryan left them because he was sick.

“Ray, Ray,” he felt two hands on his cheeks and he focused on the face in front of him. “Baby, breath, you’re okay.” Jack’s voice was soothing and Ray did his best to calm himself, feeling Jack’s hands on his hair and kissing his temple softly. For a while they stayed in silence until Ray’s breathing calmed and Jack asked “Feeling better?”

Ray nodded and closed his eyes, feeling the tears trying to escape from them. He found himself sitting on Jack’s lap, his arms wrapped around him strongly. “Jack,” he whispered. “Ryan. He-he…” Jack shushed him, kissing his forehead and feeling Ray’s hand fisted on his shirt. “Ryan’s sick, Jack.”

Jack froze and looked down at the lad, seeing the tears falling down. “What do you mean?”

“Leukemia, Jack,” Ray’s voice sounded strangled. “That’s why he left.”

Jack pressed the back of his head on the wall and looked up at the ceiling, and his thoughts were the same as Ray’s: how stupid they were, they knew he wasn’t feeling well but they ignored it. Neither of them said anything for a while, but Jack held the boy closer and Ray hid his face on Jack’s neck, playing with the edge of the shirt.

Ray took his phone again, seeing that Ellie tried to call a few times after Ray threw his phone away. It was Jack who answered the call; Ellie’s relief sigh met him.

“Oh god, I’m so sorry, Ray. I didn’t know, Ryan didn’t say anything and I jumped-”

“It’s Jack, Ellie,” he said, still caressing Ray’s hair mindlessly. “How is he?”

“Well,” she doubted. “He started receiving chemo a few weeks ago, but today he… let’s say he had some complications.” Jack frowned and asked what she was referring to. “Uh, um, he had a lung infection and we had to take him to the hospital.” She could hear the soft “ _Jesus_ ” Jack muttered.

After Ellie and Jack talked a few minutes, he hang up and looked at the younger boy that was picking up his hoodie. “C’mon, you book the flight and I’ll wake up the others and make the bags,” Ray said, already going out the kitchen.

“What flight, Ray?” Jack yelled at him, looking the boy walking upstairs. Ray turned around and looked at him. “What are you talking about?

“We’re going to Georgia, what do you think?”

+

Ryan didn’t want to open his eyes because he felt tired and he didn’t need to, he knew where he was. His hands were heavy but he moved them to his face, noticing he had an oxygen mask sitting on it. He found it difficult to breath but he was actually breathing.

He didn’t die and somehow that seemed like a good sign. Ryan opened his eyes, blinking the tiredness away from them before focusing on the beige ceiling, noticing a shadow on the corner of his eye and he turned his head.

Jack was looking at him, not saying anything.

“Go away,” he muttered, his voices muffled by the mask and he closed his eyes again. Ryan didn’t feel warm or anything: he didn’t know why Jack was there. Jack, in the other hand, frowned and looked at Geoff, sitting on the other side of the bed.

“Why?” Jack asked softly, his hands on his lap.

“You’re not real.” Ryan said slowly, breathing harshly between the words as if he didn’t have enough oxygen on his lungs. “Go.”

“Ryan,” Geoff reached for Ryan’s hand and held it. Ryan gasped and opened his eyes wide, looking at Geoff’s hand. He was warm, and he didn’t disappear: he was real, they were real. Ryan’s breathing became elaborated and his heart monitor was beeping more loudly and Jack, resting his hand on Ryan’s shoulder, asked him what was wrong.

“You’re real,” Ryan said after taking the oxygen mask out of his mouth, so he could talk freely. “You’re real.” It was like a mantra to himself, he wasn’t dreaming or hallucinating, and he found himself crying. “You’re here.”

Geoff sat on the edge of the bed and, after pulling Ryan’s mask on the right way, Geoff held Ryan closer to him and into a hug. “Calm down, love. You’re fine,” Jack’s voice was comforting and Ryan did his best to calm himself, his head resting on Geoff’s chest. For a while, Geoff hummed softly and Jack caressed Ryan’s hair, all of them staying in silence.

“Why are you here?” Ryan was confused, but didn’t dare to look at neither of them.

“Because you’re an idiot,” Geoff said. “You should have told us, Ryan. You’re incredibly stupid,” and it was his smile that reassured Ryan that he didn’t mean those words.

“I made a mistake,” Ryan whispered and Jack asked if everything he said that night was true, and he didn’t care Geoff was glaring at him. Ryan chuckled softly but his laugh ended up on a cough, and worried looks with it. “No.”

“Why did you leave then?” Jack’s thumb was on Ryan’s cheeks, wiping away the tears, feeling the elastic from the oxygen mask brush against his finger. Ryan closed his eyes, thinking and trying to find the right words before opening again.

“It was easier for you,” he tried to take a deep breath, “you’ll continue with your life.”

Geoff and Jack shared a guilty look: they actually tried to forget and continue with their lives without him. Both of them had their fingers tangled with Ryan’s, sitting on each side of the bed. They waited for Ryan’s breathing to become calmer, since doing all that talking left him breathless.  

“You should hate me-”

“We don’t hate you,” Geoff said, his eyes fixed on Ryan’s. “We care about you, and your problems are our problems, Ryan. Maybe we aren’t married but we are staying through sickness and health,” Geoff’s hands wandered to Ryan’s cheek, smiling softly, “through stubbornness and stupidness.”

“That’s not how it goes,” Ryan said and a smile appeared behind the oxygen mask.

“We are staying through it all,” Jack said, and smile. “Understood? No more leaving, nor lying, Ryan.”

“I’m sorry,” Ryan said after a few minutes looking at both of them, squeezing their hands. “I didn’t want to lie, I didn’t want - I’m just so sorry.” Jack’s lips pressed against Ryan’s temple. “I love you.”

Geoff couldn’t help but smile wider at him, and suddenly all the feelings were rising to the surface and brushing their skin, making them have goosebumps. “We love you too, Ryan.”

+

It wasn’t until Ryan’s infection cured when he got to see the lads.

Geoff told him that it was because they didn’t want him to become agitated, and Ryan couldn’t fight against it: the lads together were quite troublesome.

It was one day before the doctors let him go home, and he was sitting on the hospital bed, waiting for Geoff to come back from somewhere he left a few minutes ago. He noticed a figure on the corner of his eye and Ryan turned his head, and smiled when he saw Gavin standing on the door.

“Hey there,” and Gavin ran to the bed, giving Ryan a hard hug, hiding his face on the men’s neck. The gent wrapped his arms around Gavin’s waist and started muttering soft apologies. “I’m sorry.”

“You’re still an asshole.” Michael stepped into the room, and behind him, Ray and Geoff. “You’re an awful person,” he said, but couldn’t help to hug Ryan too, moving Gavin out of the way. Ryan chuckled at Michael’s comments (even when they hurt a little bit) and held him closer. “You’re a piece of-”

“I get it, don’t worry,” Ryan muttered softly at him, his lips brushing against Michael’s temple. He held his two boys closer, hearing Michael’s sniffs and Gavin whispering things at him about how he could be so silly, how he could think about leaving them, how sorry they were. “I’m sorry.”

Michael and Gavin moved away, letting Ray step on one side of the bed, his hands holding Ryan’s. He stayed quiet for a moment before looking at him, with a gentle smile. “Don’t do it again,” he said. “Don’t hide anything from us, Ryan. We love you, and you’re going to stick with us forever.”

“Okay.” Ryan smiled at Ray, one of his hands caressing the lad’s hair. “I’m sorry. Can I get a hug?” Ryan didn’t need to ask twice when he felt the boy’s arms wrap around him, and he couldn’t help but return the hug harder than expected. “I’m so sorry.”

“Just, don’t be an idiot and we’ll be fine,” Geoff commented, leaning on wall while he watched the scene. He took a sit next to Ryan’s bed, smiling at the other gent. “When we return to Austin, you’ll get better, I know it.”

Gavin looked Ryan’s smile fading, before looking confused at Geoff. “I’m going back with you?” Ryan asked with fear, as if he didn’t want to know the answer.

“Of course you’re, Ryan,” Geoff answered, looking at him. “We are going back to Austin, you included. You’re going back home with us. Jack went to talk to your oncologist about travelling and ask for all your papers when you’re done with this round of chemo.”

“Since when you became a nerd on cancer?” Michael asked, snorting at Geoff’s talking, but it only made him laugh when Geoff stuck his tongue out. Ryan held a smile to himself, feeling his heart grow at least three sizes in that moment: when he got so lucky to have them on his life?

And, seeing them each one of them sitting on the room, talking with each other and joking around, Ryan felt once again complete. He closed his eyes, and felt Ray’s thumb caressing mindlessly his hand.

(“ _You’re indeed very luck, James, maybe too lucky_.”)

+

They boys stayed with him trough another week of chemotherapy, even when he didn’t like them seeing him sick, he smiled at all the loving, and caring gestures they did for him while they stayed on his little flat. (He felt nothing but relief seeing at least one of them after he woke up from a nap, a smiling face always in front of him. He tried his best to not cry because he was feeling too happy.)

Jack helped him to pack his things, all the bags he took from the house coming back to it. He said goodbye to his parents, and Ellie, who made him promise that he would call her when they entered to the gate and when they landed. “Promise, Ellie,” he told her, smiling softly at her. “Thank you.”

“Come here, Ryan,” she muttered and hugged him hard, hiding her face on Ryan’s jacket. Ryan could hear Gavin’s soft _aawww_. “Please take care.”

“I will, Ellie. You know, this time I’m not alone.” Ellie chuckled softly and Ryan kissed her forehead softly. “Love you, Ellie. Take care of mom and Ben, got it?”

“Love you too, silly,” she smiled and let him leave, walking where the boys were standing, waiting for him since they wanted to give them their space. “See you in Christmas!”

Ryan turned his head to Jack, frowning. “We already made plans, shut up and get on the car,” and Ryan clucked. Sincerely, they were something else. They waved goodbye (and he swears he saw Gavin throwing kisses at his mother, but he didn’t comment on it.)

They got into Austin a few hours later, and Ryan had never felt so happy but so tired at the same time. Their flight has been an easy one, quite turbulent (thing that Ray didn’t like, and Ryan whispered to him sweet things and shared some smiles with him, trying to calm him down,) but they were home.

They were at _home_.

Those words had never tasted so sweet on Ryan’s mouth.

“Feeling okay?” Michael asked for the hundredth time, when they were waiting for their bags. It didn’t bother Ryan, but it was a surprise when the redhead was the one asking him how he was feeling, instead of Jack (who asked a few minutes after.)

“Tired, but happy of being here,” he answered with a smile, that Michael returned shortly while saying “ _that’s good to hear_ ”. The ride home was silent for the most part, but Geoff and Gavin decided to start bickering a few minutes away from their house. Ryan’s head was resting on Jack’s shoulder, eyes closed, and hearing everything they said.

It was good to be back, for sure.

He stepped into the house, looking around the living room, and noticing how everything was the same as he left it; his heart physically hurt for a moment. The last time he walked towards the door was when he left them, Jack’s voice echoing on his mind.

It was never his intention saying those words, nor leaving. It was something inside him that brought him to do it, and he hated a little bit just because of it.

“It wasn’t true, you know,” he needed to tell them, he needed to tell them himself that everything he said was a lie that night. Gavin frowned at him, asking what did he meant, and before he knew it all the boys were watching him. “That night, everything I said was a lie. I should never leaved, I’m sorry- I should have told you the truth and I hurt you more than I thought and-”

“Ryan,” Gavin’s sharp voice made him shut up. “We know, Ryan, you silly sausage.”

“Well, not the part that I said that you were the best thing that happened in my life. That was actually very true,” he said, blushing and looking down at the floor.

Gavin laughed and, taking Ryan’s hands, he kissed him slowly. “We know, when are you going to understand? We’re fine, and we’re together. That’s all it matters.”

Indeed, that’s all that mattered.   

**Author's Note:**

> I started writing this fic at the start of this year and I didn't know how to end it, so I decided that why the fuck no I become John Green and end this with an open ending. 
> 
> I'm posting it because I kinda of wanted to get rid of it from my folder. It's basically looking at me like " _hey, do you remember me? Yeah, yeah, it's me_ " and it's **awful** and I swear I'm not going to write more Ryan-centric, I always end up killing him or making him sick.
> 
> ANYWAY.
> 
> Comments are always appreciated.
> 
>  
> 
> [♥](http://speaksarcastically.tumblr.com/)


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